“Remembering I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help make big choices in life.@
-Steve Jobs.
Guatemala 2012
Another year full of great memories, laughs, and blessings goes by. I have so much gratitude towards everything that God puts in my path and I hope that my last year of being a teenager is filled with great accomplishments, new places and new people, old friends, and new adventures. Here is a recap of my 18th year!
When things are no longer important, only consciousness becomes important. When things are no longer significant, a new search, a new door opens. Then you are not rushing towards the without: you start slipping into the within. The kingdom of God is within. And once you drop identifying with things, suddenly you are no longer fighting — there is no point. You start moving with the river of existence.
The weight of the world
is love
under the burden
of solitude
under the burden
of dissatisfaction
the weight,
the weight we carry
is love.
Who can deny?
In dreams
it touches the body
in thought
constructs a miracle,
in imagination
anguishes
till born
In human-
looks out of the heart
burning with purity-
for the burden of life is love,
but we carry the weight
wearily,
and so must rest in the arms
of love.
No rest without love,
No sleep without dreams,
be mad or chill
obsessed with angels,
or machines,
the final wish is love
-cannot be bitter,
cannot deny,
cannot withhold if denied:
the weight is too heavy.
The warm bodies shine together
in darkness,
the hand moves to the center
of the flesh,
the skin trembles
in happiness
and the soul comes
joyful to the eye-
yes, yes,
thats what I wanted,
I always wanted
to return
to the body
where I was born.
San Jose, 1954
I randomly decided to crack open a book containing small excerpts of poems, letters, songs, and passages written by Beat writers. It’s a book I seldom opened in the contemporary literature class I took 2 years ago in high school, and a book that I’ve decided to revisit now that my lens of perception is much wider. I’ve read this poem about 7 times now, and each time I come up with a different interpretation of the meaning behind it, not just in a general sense, but what it means to me in particular. I feel as if I should warn you, the reader, that I am very awkward when it comes to talking about love. I tend to deliberately avoid such topics for some reason or another because I know that everyone has a different experience with love and talking about it can sometimes hit way too close to home….uncomfortably close. However, this poem represents the internal journeys I have been going through in a way that still gives me the opportunity to mask the awkwardness I feel when I talk about love. It’s the feelings of frustration, and anger, and sadness and loneliness that have made it clear to me that I am a person that loves. It’s the weight I feel over my shoulders, these anxious thoughts that live and grow in my mind and drive me close to insanity that have allowed me to realize that who I am and what I feel is real, because if love didn’t carry the burdens that drive us insane, then we’d be completely empty. At the end of the day, I would much rather be insane than empty.
Hi friends!
For those of you who don’t know, I am currently in Guatemala completing a sustainable development project where I have the priviledge of helping a group of 50 women start small microenterprises that will help them sustain their families. We have detailed explanations of what we have been doing each week on our blog from Nourish International: http://nourish.org/blog/category/chapter/uf/
Please visit the site for more information and pictures! Since we already have a blog on all of our experiences there, I have decided that I would write on this blog to describe some more personal stories and thoughts that have been on my mind since I have been here. We have been very busy this week finishing a book that we are creating in order to give the women we are helping a source that they can refer back to once we are gone. It took a lot o planning and researching because we wanted to make sure that we put information that would be relevant to their situations and that they can easily apply to their every day lives. So, we have been on about 10 house visits where the women have welcomed us into their homes with such generosity, and they have shared with us their struggles not only financially but also their struggles within their relationships, whether it be with their partners, parents, or children. We got a new perspective on what it is really like to live in poverty. But, what we didn’t get a grip on was on how these women felt about each other and the relationships that they harvest amongst themselves. Whenever we encounter individuals here in Guatemala they are nothing but kind and eager to learn from us. When we see them in class we don’t see how they interact with each other because most of the time they are listening to the lecture. But, today as I was speaking to one of the staff from Casa Del Alfarero she informed me of a fight that had occurred after we left class a week ago over sharing a computer. By fight I don’t mean verbal…. I mean physical. I was completely appalled because the two women that had gotten into the fight were women who we have come to love and care about. They seem like they could never touch a fly, and to find out that they were capable of hurting each other over something so trivial really sparked something in our brains.
Before coming to Guatemala we spent most of our days researching about the present conditions of the country, the civil that had occured years ago, the new president and his tactics to help the people of the country, but when we came to Guatemala we realized that all the research we had done would never have helped us understand what we were actually seeing in person! And even while we are here, there are still concepts and relationships that we aren’t quite undertanding. It’s what we find common sense and what we call life that has been completely turned around as we stand here and try to decipher the reasons behind people’s actions and people’s living conditions. These are problems that are rooted in these peoples minds, and jealousy, stress and anger are emotions that overpower every other emotion that exists inside these women. At first I sat there in awe because I, a 19 year old, would never get up and hurt someone due to some jealous feelings. But then again, I don’t live in a shack made of cardboard and tin, I don’t use a sheet as a door to protect my house, I don’t share a bed with 4 other people, I don’t have stressful relationships, and I am not drowned in worries of whether or not I am going to eat today.
I understand now that these women have a right to be angry. They bottle all of their worries up and they pray to God and it’s their faith that keeps them from acting out like they should be acting out! I admire the way these women never blame God for their misfortunes. Instead they praise him and thank him the small blessings they have, and that is something that I might not be able to do if I was walking in their shoes. So, they are angry. That’s what I understand. But, what I still don’t understand is why they are taking out their anger on each other? They are all going through the same situations, they all have children they have to care for, and most of them have been betrayed by their husbands! It’s interesting to note that men here in Guatemala work together to protect their manhood and to continue to dominate. They leave their wives and children for drugs, alcohol, and other women. So, why can’t women unite to help themselves gain control of their lives? Why can’t they help each other and support each other like men do?
It’s time that women here in Guatemala learn to work together and show how strong they are outside of their housholds! These are strong women that have been through similar situations and have felt similar feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and anger. So, why look for men to fill those gaps when there are other women out there going through the same struggles?!?
Its important to me that before I leave I give these women a sense of unity. They are all wonderful individuals and despite what most upper class Guatemalan’s say, they are very hard working and diligent. They haven’t had the opportunities that other have had. So, i have learned that before I judge someone on an irrational action they have made, I will now be more undertanding, because I know that if I were in their position I would probably do worse.
So, our book is currently being edited and printed. I am very proud of the work that Tisa, Katie F, Katie C and I have done to accomplish this task. It wasn’t quite a walk in the park since we constantly had small fights about what should be on the book and how we should word things, and formatting, and colors, and every single little detail that goes into creating something of value. We are learning to do what we preach and we are working together for a cause that we are all passionate about, we are learning to compromise and agree to disagree. This has brought us that much closer together and it has taught us the meaning of coming together and making a difference as strong WOMEN.
So I leave all women that are reading this with a piece of advice that Guatemala has taught me: Learn to work TOGETHER to overcome the barriers that have been placed before us. We must work to protect our dignity as strong and independent women that are capable of anything. After all, God puts obstacles in front of people that he thinks can handle them. We can overcome anything.
Love, Nicol.
Don’t you realize you’re fine
Oh can’t you see that you’re fine
And know that you’re still alive
You know that you’re still alive
Oh don’t you know you’re alive
Don’t you know you’re alive
Burning in the sky
Here it is again:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing this on behalf of Nourish International, a national organization that works to eliminate global poverty by empowering communities through sustainable projects. Throughout the year students conduct business ventures around campus aimed at effectively raising money that will later be used to implement our project abroad. Last year, Nourish International traveled to Cameroon to help a group of widows start a business.
This Year’s Project:
As the International projects director, it was my job to research organizations abroad that we could pair up with in order to empower their local communities. This year, we found an organization called Casa Del Alfarero, located in Guatemala City, that works with a community located in “the dump” where there is a population of 11,000 people living in poverty, 6,400 of them are children. They are known as “guajeros” because they work through the trash looking for things that have value and can be recycled. The Nourish International-University of Florida chapter will be traveling to Guatemala from May 9th- June 9th to help a group of people start a jewelry business. This is a business that the people in the community have had in mind for a long time, but they haven’t had the skills or resources to bring this project to life. Aside from helping this group, we will also be part of a project to build a house for a family that doesn’t have one.
Why Should You Care?
Before joining Nourish International I never really put much thought into doing something this big. Sure, I believed I was a good person, I followed the rules, I helped someone when they asked for my help, and I gave food to the homeless whenever I could. I was grateful for what I had, because I knew that not everyone was as fortunate as I was. After joining Nourish International I became aware of the conditions that other people in places like Guatemala were living in. Suddenly, I realized that I really had no idea what poverty was. I didn’t understand why people living in poverty couldn’t just lift themselves from it by getting a job and working hard. Then I realized that I have the opportunity improve my life and the situations around me because I don’t have to wake up every morning and scavenge for food in a trash dump. I know how to read because I had the opportunity to go to school, I have a home to live in, and I have everything I need to help me succeed. But, what about the people that don’t have this? I was angry because I realized how unfair this was. That’s why I decided to fully commit to Nourish International. I made a promise that I would act NOW. I won’t wait till tomorrow to make a difference because I knew that tomorrow was a just an excuse for never. This is the time. This is the place. I am the person. You can be the person too.
Goal:
Our goal is to raise at least $1,500 before we leave to Guatemala on May 9th. We can’t accomplish this goal without the help of our friends and family. You can be a part of this project by donating in our site: http://www.razoo.com/story/Ncsu-Uf
We are part of The Giving Challenge, where the team that raises the most money receives $2,000 dollars for the project. Your money will go towards funding the business, a computer, office supplies, and building supplies. We need you to help us carryout our project and help this community in Guatemala. If you donate, you can receive more information on our project and our accomplishments in Guatemala. We will have a blog while we are in Guatemala where we will share pictures and you can read about our experiences.
If you want to learn more about Nourish International you can check out the website: http://nourish.org/
If you would like information on the organization we will be working with in Guatemala check out their site: http://www.alfarero.org.gt/
If you have any questions please contact me through email: nicolandreap@yahoo.com or via phone: 786-282-3467
Where Most People See Problems, We See Possibilities.
Ambit Energy, It’s All About Ambition.
“Don’t you see” Roark was saying. “It’s a monument you want to build, but not of yourself. Not to your own life or your own achievement. To other people. To their supremacy over you. You’re not challenging that supremacy. You’re immortalizing it. You haven’t thrown it off- you’re putting it up forever. Strike free, for once, and build a new house of your own. You don’t want the Randolph place. You want what it stood for. But what it stood for is what you’ve fought all your life.”
-Ayn Rand
I absolutely love this quote from Rand’s book. It’s interesting to see the answer you come up with when you ask yourself the question, will you be happy if you sealed yourself for the rest of your life in that burrowed shape others have created?
Be free.
